smile ;DD

2012-01-03T20:03:00.002+08:00

Feel entirely drained of my energy after CCAO :/ Came for the entire day even though my shift was only at 3.30-4. But ohwells, got to talk with some CO-ers and mess around with drums xD And that feeling that I contributed to CO is simply (Y) (:

Anyways too tired to do anything now pfft :/ First day of school tomorrow o.o

2011-12-23T18:09:00.002+08:00

Gift camp and MTDC BBQ over the last 5 days, how much more awesome could it get? (:

Gift camp turned out better than I expected ;DD Guess I expected to be left out half the time since I didn't come for sessions for the last semester :/ But zomg the gifters are just so friendly ahaha xD It started off kinda awkward, with silly random games but after a while it got better (: Woah there are now like 8 new hwachong volunteers o.o 4 of them have come for sessions before though heh (:

Amazing race was awesome (Y) Shobana + Kai Ren + Qiwei + Amirin + Weikiat + me = FLYING VEGETABLES~ Actually none of us has any idea as to whether it's flying vegetables, veggies, vegetarians or whatnot xD Our tie dye shirts were probably the worst too, since we just anyhow folded and tied the shirts xD That's our charm yozzz~ But our group seemed the slackest, after lunch we were all too lazy to look for the next checkpoint so we just stood around and called for help. Even after we found out the name of the place, we still decided to troll another lost group. In the end the facil at that checkpoint called us to ask where we were xD Ohwells we went from 1st place, to last, and finished 3rd ;DD

The last night of camp is always the awesomest ;DD Some people jumped into the pool, whereas I just sat at the side and laughed at them xD After that a few of us sat down to talk, and idk why we had to include Hao Yu's blanket o.o Everyone ended up snatching the blanket. And the way we play truth or dare is by throwing a pillow with a face up and see where the tongue on the face is pointing at o.o We're creative, I know xD But I guess the night ended with a conversation between a few volunteers and me (: Peaceful zomg, compared to the past 2 camps I've attended xD Me and Hao Yu were the first two to wake up. I think I slept the shortest, barely 1 hour ><

Gift camp (Y) Parting is such sweet sorrow :/ Hope session next semester will be awesome ;DD

MTDC BBQ was awesome too ;DD Met up with a few people in the morning to get some equipment, then afterwards went over to ECP for the BBQ, guess it started out rough but it got better in the end ;DD Zomg I'd elaborate more but I'm too tired now >< Maybe another time? (:

Currently suffering from post superduperawesomefun syndrome. Feeling down and depressed the whole day :/ Anyways, that's all, au revoir~

2011-12-13T11:17:00.002+08:00

I only have 10 minutes to write this post, so here goes (:

Yesterday didn't really turn out as awesome as I expected, but I'm glad most of the people enjoyed it, so yeah (: But it was worth it seeing everyone again haha (:

Reached home around 10+ last night, and having not slept well the night before, I guess I came home with extreme fatigue and wanted to plop onto my bed and drift off to wonderland, only to be greeted by an angry bird stuffed toy under my blankets ;DD Awwsh so sweet of my parents, and they got the angry bird of my favourite colour (:

If I'm this tired after being out past 10, then I have simply no idea what's gonna happen to me at gift camp o.o

This thought brings me back to memories of gift. Was rereading my post last year on the first ever gift camp I attended. My English was way horrible, my style of writing was childish and immature, but the content was really awesome (: I came back from gift camp really happy and excited (: I made loads of new friends there and I had an awesome time (: I still remember how Manisha, Hui Yun and Qiwei were able to stay awake for the whole of the last day despite only having less than 30 mins of sleeping xD Genius heh. But I guess that's the charm of the gifters (: There was also a drunkard Ding Feng stumbling around his room and finally falling down and going to sleep (:

Then I moved on to reading the post about the first few gift sessions I had. I realised I seemed to have this respect and admiration for the senior volunteers. Nothing wrong with that, considering how awesome they are in many aspects (: There was this Saturday, where after session some people went to jp and they treated me to lunch and got me and Foong Chuan a birthday cake. That afternoon in the open space under the pavilion, I can still remember it. It's probably the time I felt the closest to the gifters (:

I know there was a point of time where I felt so much animosity towards gift, I felt left out, unwelcomed, and simply not a part of the awesome society I had come to love. But things are different now, I have no idea who or what changed, but I know that gift is something I want in my life. I chose not to try out for several leadership positions because of gift, and I wouldn't change that decision even if I had the chance to.

Next year, my Saturdays will be devoted to gift and my SL (:

~Excited for gift camp (: ~

2011-12-08T15:46:00.002+08:00

Seeking refuge and solace in my blog which is (somewhat) more private and deserted than facebook in fear that I have a sudden outburst of anger there that pisses everyone off.

Honestly can't stand it when someone goes out of her way to annoy the guts out of you. I guess people would say perhaps her intentions weren't so, and I may be wrong, but I really think everything she did to me since that day was really targeted at making me reach my boiling point and ultimately having me explode with vexation. And as much as I hate to admit, she succeeded.

Since that day, she's been cold towards me. The intimacy and friendship between us was replaced by awkwardness and animosity. It improved a bit at a point of time, but recently it's once again become worse. From my point of view, I didn't do anything wrong, I was fulfilling my responsibilities, but it's difficult considering there's a fierce dog breathing down my neck. But of course my view is biased, and perhaps I did make a huge mistake somewhere. But I can't deny that she had a part in this too. And now she's perhaps intentionally working me up, getting me more and more stressed. I have a small sense as to what her ultimate motive is, but I dare not say it. It sucks knowing how jealousy and all these politics can affect this previously close friendship. I don't know if I would have reacted as she did if our roles had been reversed.

Haish anyways, shouldn't dwell on it, so yeah, tata~

2011-11-27T17:50:00.002+08:00

Met this person yesterday that served as a serious eye-opener for me O: Shan't elaborate though, since it's about somebody else I'd feel like I'm revealing information that should be kept discreet o.o

Went shopping for my MTDC clothes today o.o It was only this morning that I realised my jeans were dark blue and not black. Awesome right, I'm so attentive to detail .__. So yeah, got my black shirt and jeans, and my pipa teacher somehow keeps insisting on me wearing those puffy puffy dresses for my solo, but since I couldn't find a suitable one I just gave up and went home, not as if I wanted to wear one anyways o.o

So yeah, after the entire afternoon, I came back with a black shirt, black jeans, and a lowered self-esteem. Pfft .__.

SJ COMING TO SINGAPORE TODAYYYY! ;DD
Kyahh zomg wish I could be at the airport to welcome them, but supposedly the security there's really tight so VIPs exit through some separate and private gate which means fans won't be able to see them until they're out of the airport I think o.o

Haish :/

But still,

SUPERJUNIOR <3

Was constantly spazzing over ukiss's Japanese debut MV preview at MTDC yesterday o.o When I replay the memory (it's a bit blur though, must've done it... unconsciously?) in my head, I feel super embarrassed zomg O:

Anws that's all, ciao~

2011-11-23T19:28:00.002+08:00

MTDC training camp from 9-5 for the past 3 days. Zomg why do I feel so tired, as tired as that week when I came home past 10 every single day without my afternoon naps :/ Pfft .__.

Can't believe it's only 10 days till I graduate from MTDC, yet I feel like I learnt nothing and neither did I make many new friends :/ Anti-social me I know, but haiz, still can't get rid of that feeling of chagrin that's driving me nuts :/

Guess my solo's confirmed :/ The teacher doesn't seem to have any intention of cancelling me o.o On the other hand, whether or not the solo goes well depends on myself, and that kinda adds on to the countless burdens on my shoulders already. Speaking of which, I'm in dire need of a massage now, gahh too much tension on my back :/

Honestly really worried about it :/ Some people keep telling me not to worry, and that I play awesome enough, but sometimes I get the hunch that these words weren't said with 100% goodwill harboured towards me, and that it's just that people don't dare to tell me the truth :/ On the other hand, some of them haven't exactly heard me play before so I doubt they know what's going on :/

Haven't pracced much this year, and I feel really guilty about it :/ If anything goes wrong, I'll only have myself to blame pfft .__. Just hope that I can look back without feeling to terrible :/

Too tired to even think of praccing now. Shall go back to sleep after dinner, ciao~

2011-11-19T20:25:00.004+08:00

Last SL session for the year today. I guess this probably served as another reminder that the year's ending, with one of my usual Saturday routines ending today :/

Somehow I feel like I learnt quite a lot from this experience too, no offence, but somehow I think I learnt a little bit more from here than from Gift :/ I honestly felt a stronger bond with these children, probably because they come more frequently (: SL is really awesome, and I can't believe it's ending for the year :/ (Crap my brother just had to start playing some sad-sounding song at this moment .__.) Teared a bit while the certificates were being given out :/ With these children, I don't have to put up ostentatious images, I can simply be myself. Their innocence and childlike existence really makes me reflect on the pessimistic and misanthropic person I've become, and honestly, I really feel guilty whenever I compare myself with them :/

I sometimes see a part of my younger self in these children, and I don't want them to grow up to become like me, but rather someone better. More courageous and open towards new ideas, more optimistic, more people-centered. It somehow sucks realising that not many of my friends really know me, and I don't even feel natural around some of them. I think my actions in school kinda screwed my relationship with some people, whether or not they choose to admit it, and I really feel guilty. These children are able to interact with one another in such a happy and joyful way, no bad thoughts whatsoever, so animosity in between any 2 children, and definitely no hatred. Even towards us volunteers, or 'teachers', they treat us as their equal, they talk to us and play with us.

Spoke to one child's mom today, and I really hope that child does really well in primary school and gets into an awesome secondary school (: Hopefully he'll have a bright future ahead, and I'd like to think that I met him when he was young (: I wish the same for all the children I've met in SL, and I hope this wish does come true (:

Good luck to all of them ;DD

Mr Yeo also came today, was kinda surprised, but ohwells, really appreciate it (: It seems like he's really involved in loads of community work. Maybe he's like my brother, someone who sincerely cares about helping others and goes out of his way to do so (: Mrs T usually talks about her involvements in this particular field of community work, and maybe I'll consider following her there (: Bottom line is, I wanna do more than what I'm doing now (:

Got this "Most Inspiring Volunteer" award thingum, and I'm guessing Carlie gave it to me just because I'm the leader of the group. While talking to her today I got the feeling that she prefers the previous batch of volunteers to us, and I really feel guilty and abashed since I'm supposed to be the leader yet we weren't good enough, probably my fault there :/

Haiz, it sucks feeling like you did so much yet achieved nothing :/

Gonna continue SL next year and make sure we do better (:

----------------------

SS4 IS HAPPENING NOW ZOMGGGGG I WANNA BE THERE DFHLKSDFWEUHTKJCNVMXLOAWER CANT HELP SPAZZING WHEN I THINK OF IT KYAHHHH

2011-11-08T19:53:00.003+08:00

Cried for the billionth time after watching the class video.

Find it really hard to believe that my journey with 207 is ending tomorrow. All the dismal and sadness of this thought swells up in me. I know I may have been a sucky vice-chair, and perhaps I angered many people, but still, what I feel towards 207 can't be described in words. The feeling of being part of 207, is simply remarkable.

We're special in many ways.

Being the class which rarely wins any inter-class competitions (I think only around 3 so far?), and the class that is totally not bonded and pretty much almost nobody brings food for class parties. Oh and what happens in class parties? Everyone sits around in their cliques and ignores others. All these may sound bad, but that's unequivocally 207. It's these things that make 207 the class it is.

Better stop now before tears overwhelm me :/

I love you 207 (:

2011-11-07T18:27:00.003+08:00

5 years down the road, I'm gonna look back at 7 November 2011, and I'm gonna remember being accepted for History RA and rejecting it (after a lot of internal struggle though).

And I'm either gonna slap myself or heave a sigh of relief at the decision.

As for Geography,

I really hope I don't regret going in depth into the subject I love so much at this moment.

2011-11-07T10:51:00.002+08:00

I wish I was good at Science.

I honestly can't decide on my subject combi, so I guess I've just gone with what everyone's telling to take.

It sucks not knowing what I really want, whether I wanna pursue a career in Science, or maybe I'll just be an accountant. I haven't even decided what I want to take in JC two years from now. I don't have my priorities sorted out.

And about having to drop History. It just drives a stake through my heart (cliched phrase, I know). It sucks, letting go of something you love so much. Getting into History RA doesn't help either. I love History, and I'm not all that bad at it either. But still I'm gonna drop it just to take a safer combination.

Just rambled on and on to my brother about my I love History, and I suddenly forgot what I was talking about o.o So yeah, hmm that's all? I honestly can't remember my thought process now. Ohwells, tata~

Farewell Sec 4s :/

2011-11-04T20:31:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was rgco farewell and today was Sec 4 graduation :/

Last year I could never comprehend what the big deal was, but this year I understood.

I remember during rgco farewell last year, I didn't exactly know many of the seniors, and neither was I close to them :/ When Michelin cried I was wondering how someone could actually feel so much towards a CCA.

But this year I've cried loads for rgco. SYF, handover, and now farewell.

Such different feelings :/

Last year Sec 4 graduation was merely a place where everyone performed and I, as a Sec 1, just clapped and enjoy the display. But this year...

I just can't bear to think that this is probably gonna be the last time we see the Sec 4s around in school in rg uniforms, the last time I'll see this batch during assemblies, the last time they'll be there to guide us :/

I'm gonna miss having this wonderful and adorable batch around to liven the atmosphere and cheer me up whenever I go to prac with a sour face :/

Like Laura said in her speech, it's the small things we'll miss.

And now it's also our turn to step up and be seniors :/ I'll try my best, for the seniors, for this awesome bubbly batch (':

2011-11-04T18:31:00.002+08:00

Really feeling ambivalent about my subject combination :/

Trip science geog, or physics chem hist geog, or bio chem hist geog?

I mean I wasn't that willing to take trip science but it kinda makes the most sense to take it. And after the interviews on Tuesday I suddenly realised that I simply love history because it reminded me of everything I loved about history and that I had wanted to take it since P4. Just made me aware that I'm not willing and neither am I ready to drop history now :/ But if I were to take history then I'm not sure if I should drop bio or physics :/ I prefer physics, but I'm not sure if my dislike towards bio is because of ____ or simply the subject itself :/ And if I take history too, I'm not sure if I should take up history RA :/

WHY'S IT SO DARN HARD TO DECIDE?

Desperately went around asking for help and advice today :/

But thanks loads to those who listened to my rambling and helped me ;DD

Haiz :/ Shall go find something to take my thoughts off this :/ Ciao~

2011-10-31T20:03:00.003+08:00

Been a long time since I last posted anything yeah o.o

Yesterday was simply awesome and I keep replaying what happened over and over again (: AWESOME ;DD

I'm afraid my current impression of ____ may wear off, and I may suddenly be angered by it once again, but ohwells, shall busk in the present (:

I think my hopes of going for this event are pretty much screwed and non-existent pfft .__.

Sec 4 farewell this Thurs :/

Dinner now, tata~

2011-10-21T21:57:00.002+08:00

Oh my goodness I can't stand it whenever a nice day is ruined by someone .__. I mean, if you don't even know what's going on because you don't bother to ask, then quit assuming that everything I do is all wrong.

Today was kinda screwed though, so I guess what just happened simply amplified my annoyance at everything today .__.

Thanks yeah, appreciate your help for angering me loads.

Whenever people just assume the worst of me I'll feel this sudden urge to talk back. But of course, some people never see reason and doing so will probably make things worse .__. So nonetheless, I simply shut up and let them piss me off even if that's stressing me up every other moment.

I'm sick of having to post all these without mentioning who the person is even though if the person were to read it I'm sure it's pretty obvious who I'm talking about. But yeah, once again people will assume the worst, confront me, and piss me off all over again.

The one of the few fun thing that's keeping me happy and energised daily is being screwed by that person. Screw off.

2011-10-19T17:39:00.002+08:00

Pffft .__. Today's papers were :/

Okay history hmm guess it was impossible for me to get a 4.0 since it was screwed all along because of history PT. So seeing as I was at least able to maintain my EYA score from last year I felt kinda satisfied (: But yeah, overall no 4.0, which was what I got last year :/ Haish for last year and this year I screwed the PT. Guess that's what's been bringing my grades down? Ohwells, at least now I know where I'm weak, and I shall work to improve (: Doesn't matter if I didn't do as well as last year overall, at least I maintained for some components and I shall work harder to improve those that I'm weak in (:

Literature POOF. First essay was alright but the second one was... *cough* And I got the second essay back first so when I was super disappointed o.o But can't say I didn't expect it, since I know really well I can't do lit for nuts sometimes. Hee recently I keep saying 'for nuts' since I heard Nicole Yee saying it all the time xD

French *facepalm* deteriorated from last year :/ But haha was quite lucky that I bothered to look through my marks carefully else I wouldn't have spotted an error in the marking xD Zomg for once I didn't almost fail or fail my redaction ;DD And the even better part is that I wrote about my EVER-SO-AWESOME IDOL <3 Hahaha must be my lucky star (Y) Zomg was super high in the room haha was talking with Dom and Alicia about weird stuff and laughing at each other's idols o.o At first I thought Dom had written about Barney but actually she didn't o.o

Whee the post-EYA period is super awesome ;DD For the last 3 days we've been having loads of free time in between activities and we get to slack ahaha awesome right xD But over the next few weeks it's gonna be busier haiz :/

Well yeps that's all, piano lesson soon, and after that I'll go take a nap (Y) Tata~

2011-10-18T21:35:00.002+08:00

In the midst of getting back all my papers. 2 more subjects to go, not including Philo and French.

My dad came back from China today (: His phone call at the airport woke me up from my awesome nap xD

Spent quite a long time at CityLink Mall with Jing Yin trying to figure out where some shop was. It was kinda like a last minute decision since that shop's also in Somerset but yeah hmm was at City Hall when I suddenly remembered it was at CityLink too o.o Turns out it wasn't though, for a really stupid reason .__.

Haha I simply love these 2 little bright shining lights in my life at this moment <3 Okay one is actually not all that good but ohwells if it makes me happy then I'll savour it (:

Zomg feeling really sleepy now despite having taken afternoon naps and sleeping in class during that weird weird research test thingum o.o Must be due to sleeping too much during the break last week xD

Well yeah that's all shall go play or something now, tata~

2011-10-16T09:07:00.002+08:00

This couldn't wait till later in the day. I just woke up 10 minutes ago overwhelmed with emotions and I simply can't take bottling it all up inside.

I guess I was never used to admitting to myself or anyone that I felt alone or left out, and perhaps another reason for this is that I haven't felt that way in a long time. Or even if I had before, it wasn't so severe.

But in this certain place now,

I don't think I ever felt this left out.

At the beginning of last year I didn't really have any friends considering I went to a new school and somehow refused to have a clique since I wanted a bonded class but in the end that was a mistake as everyone found their own cliques and I was one huge step behind. But after that two people welcomed me, and yeah, I was happy then (: In rgco for a point of time I thought the seniors were aloof and that some of my batchmates were filled with animosity towards me, but that all changed with 2 people (: I guess I've changed close friends many times over the years, and that's usually because our outlooks in life are just so different.

In these two scenarios, I didn't have to make the first step, or even if I did, I simply lifted my foot, and others came to support me when I was on the verge on stumbling and they helped me through my first step and guided me through an even longer journey.

I keep wondering why on earth I putting so much effort into that place mentioned above. Yesterday I barely ate anything since the morning (yes I missed lunch and breakfast .__.) and still went there only to be greeted with an apathetic welcome. Subsequently I didn't even leave together with them, and in the end I barely spoke 10 words to them, whereas they barely spoke 5 words to me. I mean of course some people were friendly and I really appreciate it, but the others...

Since when have I been the one to make the first step? I never ever took the initiative to do anything.

And yes, that's probably a huge flaw in my character.

But speaking of character, they don't even know me so it won't matter even if I'm a total bitch who just goes there to spite others will it?

Gek Yee was asking me how I felt about it being my last session for this year while we were walking to the MRT station after MTDC. I responded that I was upset and felt guilty not going that frequently for this semester since I had to accommodate MTDC, which is compulsory in case some people haven't realised. Jing Yin asked me countless times over the weeks why I kept going there to torture myself.

Yeah, that's a really good question. Why on earth am I constantly making myself suffer there?

I guess it's because I care and I wanna make an effort to get to know everyone and at least make up for whatever I missed out on while I was away. But the people there don't even know what I'm going through and they probably think I decided to abandon them like this other person did.

Great, just great. If only I had been more open with them, worn my heart out on my sleeves and made a great moving speech on me having to disappear for one semester because of commitments I couldn't get myself out of and not because I'm the moron they perceive me as. Yeah, as if that'll have gotten me a motivational speech.

Kept talking to my brother about this for the past few weeks. He says I antagonise them and from their perspectives I'm the one being anti-social. I guess I kinda agree, since there's no point for them to leave their comfort zone and join the loner I am since they already have their own friends.

Pfft my absence really screwed my friendship with them.

He spent like half the train ride 'chiding' me for my attitude towards gift. Lately I'm getting exasperated at constantly being told everything's my fault. No matter how much I try to get to know them (which I admit is a minuscule effort), I'd be lying if I said it was close to success. And that's what he keeps telling me to do, talk to them. But with those hostile waves the tigers are sending out, which deer would be foolish enough to willingly be their prey? He just doesn't understand me, it's not that easy and I'm sick of hearing that it's all my fault that things are terrible for me now.

And this brings me back to my previous point. I simply never take the first step. And looking at how things are now, there's zero possibility of anyone taking that first step for me anymore.

Camp.

Last December I felt excited upon hearing this word. I've a really strong feeling I intentionally screwed up my competition since I wanted to go for it. Extreme huh.

Last June I once again felt excited though a tinge of dread was there due to some complications here and there.

Now I feel apprehension, dread and nervousness when I think of it. It' exactly 2 months from today. Obviously, I can choose to go or not to go. And if I choose to go, there'd be 2 scenarios. Firstly, I'd get ignored as I already am, except it'll be worse since I have to STAY there. (Actually I can just pack my bags and leave but that's simply to ridiculous. Or I can hurt myself somehow I find a way to leave or at least be excused from activities which would leave me alone or something, but all these are simply too ridiculous and extreme so let's leave it out) Second, maybe some friendly person will turn the tables and make things awesome again.

Was reading a post a couple of months ago. Some of the gifters and I went to some outdoor place outside JP and ate macs and cake to celebrate some people's birthdays. All the positive energy emitted from that post made me feel (gosh I just erupted in tears) all torn up that things kinda suck now. What on earth did I do to make things the total opposite of how it was last time? I mean, perhaps the situation didn't change, but I did, and even then, WHAT was that thing that made me different?

I think I've a really strong idea of what it was, but it's simply too selfish of me to attribute it to these 2 people and this one event so let's save that for my monologue in my bed tonight before I sleep and hopefully no one comes in and thinks I've gone bonkers.

Someone said something a few days ago about the place and about something he didn't agree with. Guess he may not know the situation now so he won't understand but I do. Still, even then I can't deny there's a lot behind what he said and I guess I agree more with him.

I can't tell this to my family. My brother will simply scold me or something and my parents will probably drag me out of it if they find that I'm simply too upset there.

Never felt so alone before.

Open Up

2011-10-16T00:20:00.002+08:00

"People won't open a closed book,

They would read a book opened for them."

Oh screw it, it's not like even if I opened the book up to the most interesting page they'd bother to read it .__.

Or is this just me simply reverting back to the pessimistic self I was hmm last December?

Perhaps, but it's not relevant is it?

-------------------------------------------

Haish morning was awesome ;DD though me and Jing Yin happily forgot about breakfast since we bought a cake to celebrate ___ but we never ate it in the end except for a small tiny slice o.o Ahaha wells so missed lunch as always and went straight to MTDC due to time constraints .__. After that rushed to gift after getting a subway cookie.

What I consumed from morning to 8pm when I reached the MRT station:

1. Orange juice

2. Thin slice of cake

3. 1 subway cookie

Honestly I should start taking better care of myself. I'd probably fall sick in no time at this rate.

Sometimes I think I'm putting in too much effort in something that is simply a waste of my efforts pfft .__.

Well on a happy note before going to gift I bumped into my NAFA theory teacher at the elevator and she remembers me and even my name despite us not seeing each other since end of 2009 ;DD Awesome haha I remember how quickly she managed to help me pass my exam (:

Well it's late already so nights (:

2011-10-13T21:44:00.003+08:00

Zomg today xD

Went for breakfast with Jing Yin at macs in the morning, then went for obs check-up. Okay it was to last for close to an hour, or so we thought, since in the end it lasted barely 5 minutes o.o After that walked to Far East and drank bubble tea, then moved on to Ion and subsequently Plaza Sing.

And the highlight was:

Spending 30 minutes trying to find a washroom in Ion.

Yes, this is unequivocally me and Jing Yin xD

This is how awesome life is after exams (Y)

Zomg simple awesome <3

Well yeah that's all (: Tomorrow's one more day of slacking (: Tralala tata~

Things are starting to pick up (:

2011-10-07T20:02:00.003+08:00

Zomg it's been ages since I last blogged O: Guess that's the problem when one gets too busy with exams .__.

History paper today was kinda screwed for me since I forgot one of the skills and did it wrongly o.o and my history textbook had been rotting in my locker since forever so yeah, haha I had to rely on my own notes which were close to empty o.o Shan't say 'just my luck' or whatever, since I accept it's my fault :/

Pfft one last paper to go (:

Except that 'one last paper' is probably gonna be a killer O:

SL tomorrow. kidsREAD's getting awesomer and awesomer ;DD Really keen on continuing next year (:

Missing rgco (:
I mean, I can't deny going home early on Fridays and Tuesdays is fun but zomg I miss pracs O: Seeing the entire orchestra together and laughing and smiling, occasional crying... Haha those memories I'll hold dear when I'm an 80 year old woman reminiscing over the days when she was younger and full of smiles <3

BUT

Dreading the continuation of ____. Poof shan't think about it, it'll ruin my mood .__.

Was crying buckets of tears when I was watching several videos on ______ just now. Zomg so so so touching that's one person who's really remarkable and worth respecting (:

Well yeah guess that's all (: tralalala tata~

2011-10-02T14:30:00.002+08:00

Feel so tempted to start ranting about someone but guess I wont.

Pfft, getting increasingly annoyed by her.

My grades are kinda at stake since I've been spending all my free time doing something else (not studying) xD AHAHA to this day (it's been one month and 3 days since it started) I still can't believe I've gotten addicted to it xD It's awesome in the sense that it keeps me happy and optimistic but, yeah, my results .__.

Well yeah, hmm that's all (:

HWAITING <3

2011-09-22T21:42:00.003+08:00

Hahaha thanks ___ for trying to 'whack' my negativity out of me with her jacket (:

Guess today was fun (: Apart from the realisation that I'm really behind on my studies and exam revision, the day was funnnn hahaha ;DD

Home econs was TIRING. Was seriously rushing around around around around around pfft .__.

My mom's currently telling me and my brother about this really ridiculous and complicated show that she watched on the plane on her business trip. "Don't you think the story's fascinating?" ?!?!?!

Yesterday was RS presentation. Thank goodness it's over. Now all that's left is the report, which is just as tedious pfft .__.

Well tralalala shall go rest now can't study at home so I've given up trying to do work here already haha (:

2011-09-21T21:22:00.003+08:00

shall stay back tomorrow after school as a last desperate attempt to study.

stupid stupid stupid addiction. i can't concentrate now, and i'm supposed to be studying french after my disastrous results in controle 3, yet here i am slacking my head off .__. i honestly need a form of motivation to start working harder.

i've this strong feeling of premonition that my results won't be as good as last year's.

won't go for ____ this weekend because of a really unreasonable and selfish reason. yay for me *sarcasm*

can't believe today's my last french lesson :/ i mean, it's been really trying staying back so late on wednesdays but guess i'm still gonna miss french this year :/ french is something i like, but somehow can never get right. gosh, doesn't that pretty much describe a large portion of my entire life? .__.

shall start work NOW. (as if i can muster enough willpower too .__.) well tata~

2011-09-20T22:22:00.003+08:00

i'm now turning to a very weird source for comfort and solace, and of course, for relieving stress too. ironically, it's that one thing that's distracting me from doing what i need to do.

my french books are beckoning me to go study them. unfortunately, i'm not in the right state of mind to do anything for now. my french exams are... hmm next week? i'm pretty much screwed. the previous exam was... i honestly have to start accepting that i'm simply not a language person. i cant master languages. my french has always been screwed, my chinese has deteriorated drastically, and my english is on that track too. september has been a really rushed, stress and depressing month. all the papers i've gotten back are simply dispiriting, and all the things i do seem to be wrong.

well, of course there's that one thing mentioned above that keeping me going (: and also that one person i feel really comfortable talking about it to (:

i feel replaced. seriously. part of it's because i had this really stupid activity on ____s which led to me not being able to go for ____ and yes, of course i feel replaced by the new people there. i haven't made my mark there, i haven't contributed, i haven't made a difference. and of course, it's too late for me to return there and act as if these few months of my absence hadn't happened and that i was one of them again. that's simply ridiculous and impossible. i feel left out when i go there, i feel so alone, i feel so empty there.

i'm not going this week.

one more month till SL ends :/ i'm really keen on continuing next year (: it's really awesome being there <3 pfft if only there were holiday activities there i could take part in :/

anws back to rehearsing rs script. and the music playing through my earphones are really distracting, but ohwells, it's awesome (:

2011-09-18T19:58:00.006+08:00

Haven't posted in quite a while. Several reasons. But guess today I'm gonna continue with my usual regime of ranting my thoughts in an unreasonable manner in a supposedly deserted (I doubt people visit?) blog.

Stress. RS is due soon. I love my RS groupies to the max <3 They're really nice and awesome, and I feel as though fate is to thank since we were sort of put together (: I know we're kinda behind time and all, but I just love seeing everyone working hard to pull through this last lap (:

Confusion. I have simply no idea what my genuine feelings towards ____ is. Sometimes I seriously feel irascible when I think of it, but other times I feel concerned about it :/ The past 2 months actually changed my impression of it a lot. I guess having my impression of it marred has made my priorities to me clearer, but I feel guilty when I think badly of it. Me feeling so much animosity towards it is most likely caused by me and my selfish self, but I can't help feeling that a small part of the blame should be attributed to it for ruining something beautiful for me :/ Yesterday I had the choice to go there or to stay and finish some random work, and in the end I stayed. If I had to make the decision a few months ago, I would've gone there in a heartbeat, san hesiter. But I guess things change, and now I know I definitely cannot see it as the perfect place as I did in the beginning of this year anymore.

Well that's all I have time for now. Dinner. Byes.

2011-09-07T22:31:00.002+08:00

i suddenly feel like juliet when she blatantly refused to marry paris and neither her parents nor the nurse understood how she felt. in the end she simply pretended to comply to their wishes but inside she was feeling so much hurt and disappointment.

had this outburst of fury and rage recently, and no one actually understood what i was angry about. guess everyone simply attributed it to me being in a bad mood, being temperamental or whatever. and yeah, i just pretended to be okay afterwards.

haiz.

went to hana's place today for rs ;DD walked there from the mrt since we had to meet yong ling there o.o hahaha guess it was fun xD productive? not sure o.o but it was indeed a really huge upside to my day (: CHYS FAMILY <3 (excluding C since she was not free today :/)

trying to play a certain awesome song on the piano now (: self-teaching haha if i'm ever able to play the song properly it'll be awesome ;DD

well hmm that's all i guess, tata~

2011-09-04T23:13:00.002+08:00

everything that happened today somehow pissed me off .__.

to say today was fun would be the ultimate lie.

i guess the only fun and happy part of the afternoon was watching my awesome brother go upstage and get elected as a yec member (: and when he came home to tell us he was now children comm sec (Y) feel so proud of him (:

but apart from that i guess everything sucked. someone pretty much just told me my balloon sculpturing skills suck by saying i was a beginner, despite me first having contact with the awesome art of balloon sculpturing on dec 2 years ago .__. i'm pretty sure that it's incorrect to say my balloon sculpturing skills are good, but somehow that action still annoyed me much. felt so tempted to respond rudely and with sarcasm dripping off my sharp tongue (that's always put to wrong use), but once again i subdued myself and simply took it with a pinch of salt. surprising huh. usually i simply respond angrily and piss people off.

can't believe i wasted my sunday afternoon on this event that was pure horror. apart from the above (whee awesome brother! :]) nothing else was fun. i was pretty much stoning around and staring into space. okay maybe not exactly staring into space i was actually worrying for CSI, RS, and all the many other PTs i have. pfft. not to say that all these assignments are fun, but i think i'm actually getting used to that worrisome feeling when i think i'm gonna be unable to complete it on time. still, getting used to it doesn't make it any better.

so yeah, hmm guess today's sunday was wasted, and to think i rescheduled something for it .__. pfft. firstly, i exhibited my horrendous balloon sculpturing skills. secondly, i suddenly decided to be anti-social and pretty much ignored everyone, and that's not to say anyone (except 1 or 2 nice kind souls?) actually came to talk to me. i even ignored the person who said hi to me from the bus. guess i was kinda annoyed at them so yeah. somehow i have this uncanny ability to make people know my feelings and impressions of them, or so i've been told a few times .__. well in this case i doubt they got it but ohwells i guess that's for the best otherwise there'll be tension or whatever.

i honestly think i'm distancing myself from this group of people. on my way home i was wondering whether it was i who changed or they. i came to the conclusion that it was me. i've become more sensitive and started reading too deeply into things. and i've become a misanthropist. all my stupid fault.

anws enough of all these nonsense i shall take a nice rest before i bid my mom goodbye tomorrow. going paris for a business trip for a week :/ haiz she honestly travels too much :/ will miss her loads, despite what she thinks :/

2011-08-30T22:32:00.002+08:00

why people enjoy leaving others stranded on island-confusion, i'll simply never know.

sometimes i wonder if people are really what i make them out to be, or if they're actually nicer/worse than what i thought of them. i constantly come into contact with people saying their lives are not what it seems, it's harder, it's sadder, it's bleaker, fuller of anguish, etc - i know i'm guilty of it too - but somehow i question the truth of this statement.

today was simply draining. imposed on the awesome hospitality of xue qi to do lit pt haha xD

full of spazzing and shrieking today (Y)

well yeah that's pretty much all i have the energy to type out, ciao~

2011-08-30T11:36:00.002+08:00

i'm guilty of doing something i said i'd never do O:

oh police of good music, please arrest me now.

HAIZ can't believe i'm actually listening to these kinda songs now O: eh but can't say it doesn't help zomg i feel really focused doing f&n pt haha! actually wanted to start on philo pt but left my file in school .__. thanks suchen for being too lazy to carry a super thin file home. actually i simply didn't want to carry a heavy bag o.o but thinking about it now, one thin red file won't break my back or anything o.o i feel silly now tralala~

went to hwi soo's place ytd for csi discussion haha xD unlike most groups, my group still hasn't started on filming yet O: ohwells nvm we shall chiong it~ it's science anyways, and i simply can't do science (FOR NUTS <- nicole yee would add that haha xD)

zomg i simply can't stand those ultra-super-vain people .__. guess it must be because of my super traditional thinking that inner beauty is loads more important than outer beauty. when i meet people, it's not sufficient to simply look at them and admire them. i want to be touched and moved by what's in their hearts.

cousins came over yesterday (: we got the 'young' side ahaha xD although i'm closer to my older cousins i still feel happy the young ones are here (Y) joel constantly goes up to my room ahaha xD zomg i'll have to conceal my mushroom from him else it'll get torn and ripped to shreds O:

trololol that's all tata (:

THE JOY OF MUSIC

2011-08-28T20:25:00.003+08:00

was tidying my piano books (whoo exam ended ;DD) and found my theory books o.o wow long time since i touched on it hurhh :/ feels as though since i finished grade 5, in 1 year, if i may be so faceless as to add (Y), i've kinda dropped theory o.o better pick it up hmm, but actually there's no point since i only need grade 5 for my pipa exams o.o but theory's actually fun ahaha xD sounds crazy but i just love transposing xD

have to sign up for pipa dip exam by this wednesday :/ still contemplating as to whether i really wanna try and pass it this year :/ with the countless commitments i'm juggling i'll actually be contented to simply scrap a pass :/ but isn't it a waste of my effort and money if i simply pass it? haiz :/ somehow i wish i hadn't skipped too many grades such that i'd still be at a lower grade now? like in my 1st/2nd year of learning the pipa i simply jumped to quite a high grade already (fyi my expectations are actually quite low) o.o pfft "wisely and slow, they stumble that run fast" .__.

gosh i simply love playing the pipa (Y) it's this feeling of comfort and 'home'-ish when i place the pipa on my lap and 'hug' it (: zomg i've been playing the pipa for close to 5 years already, and i haven't gotten bored yet ;DD zomg 十面埋伏 is still pure horror but i find it funny playing halfway and telling my teacher -老师我太累了，请等我休息后才继续。and she'll laugh it off and say - 累什么累？要练啊！gosh this happens every lesson i have with her xD sometimes i think we spend too much time talking about weird stuff during lessons. like 15-25 minutes is actually spent with talking? such that my lessons actually last longer ahaha xD i talk to her about rgco, mtdc, school, etc trololol~

anws hmm that's pretty much all (: tata~

"you stole my box!"

2011-08-27T00:10:00.003+08:00

ahahaha today was FUN.

after school toured chionged to kidsREAD to get our forms signed xD ahaha at first i tried calling the coordinator but she wasn't answering so we tried to call mr yeo, then mr lim... IN VAIN. well then we decided to simply go to the kindergarten and cross our fingers that the coordinator was there xD but at the bus stop i called her again and she answered zomg the relief we all felt was simply remarkable xD

after getting the forms signed we went for lunch at united square ahaha xD jingyin you and your cold drink which you use as a means to wake up the unsuspecting suchen gasppp O:

reached home - fell asleep ;DD awesome righttt (:

well now watching three kingdoms again, tata~

2011-08-25T22:20:00.003+08:00

just saw the EYA timetable. zomg it's really ridiculous - one subject a day? no wonder why this series of exams is gonna last for more than a week :/

got back geog and chinese yesterday. i wasn't in class during chinese so hmm... well jingyin told me my score (: thanks for helping me check my paper haha ;DD when she told me my score i guess i felt strangely disappointed? geog - BAM. flat in the face. guess i kinda expected it, but seeing it written in paper is kinda depressing :/

piano exam yesterday .__.

french test was... HAIZ. slept during the exam when i finished .__. just skimmed through the entire paper :/

well that's pretty much all yeah ahaha (: well ciao~

2011-08-23T20:02:00.002+08:00

as i watch time flies away, i simply stand and wave as it passes by.

yes, suchen, you really do have good time management.

cle was some leadership thingum. pfft we sorta had to 'evaluate' ourselves in the worksheet given and i pretty much ticked that i desperately needed time .__. under solution - better time management.

i guess since i stepped into rgs i've been told that it's gonna be a stressful and tough journey and there would be times when we will feel pulled down by all our commitments with all of them pulling at one part of us. well, putting it simply, now i know what it feels like.

i guess if this had happened in the beginning of the year perhaps i wouldn't have minded since there was this one thing that made me happy once i thought of it everyday. but now that 'thing' has become contorted, twisted, deformed, such that it brings misery and hot anger to me each time i think of it. either that, or it has simply decided to reveal its true self to the unsuspecting, idealistic, naive little girl standing before it.

either way, it has become one of my biggest burdens.

not to say i'm actively participating in it, i'm actually just a background person now, one who creeps in the shadows, watching what's happening, and only once in a while steps out into the light, and realises that the surrounding it pitch black. this may make no sense, but yeah, that's pretty much what it's like for me now. but even though i'm just a 'background' person, i still care for it, and i simply have no idea why, considering how the 'limelight' people treat me. as a scumbag, as a bilge rat, and a superfluous person.

wow gee thanks. i feel appreciated.

i keep feeling as though what happened in _____ was a catalyst for all these horrible things happening. and this selfish and mean part of myself blames some people for it :/ i know it's mean, but i constantly get the sense that had this had not happened, i wouldn't be in such a miserable situation, and this thought continuously gnaws against me :/ but oh wells, it has happened. thinking about it will just be pouring salt on the wound :/

pshh cant believe i almost dedicated a post to this ridiculous thing. CHANGE TOPIC.

okay i'm at a loss as to what to say o.o

well then, tata~

a warmth that makes you feel like crying

2011-08-21T18:25:00.003+08:00

someone asked me what family felt like yesterday. never really thought of the answer to that question, but i guess this is how i feel towards my family (: it's this fuzzy warm feeling that wraps around your heart and leaves you feeling cared for and loved <3

was feeling really drained after pipa today so i flopped on my bed immediately upon reaching home. but couldn't sleep. thanks to the ridiculous conversation between my mom and my brother downstairs. topic: who is better at fruit ninja.

it's times like this when you realise it's the little things that make something so complete, so wholesome (:

today was definitely better than yesterday, even though i'm still facing the aftermaths of the draining day yesterday. half of it was worth it, and the other was simply a waste of my time and energy.

i shall begin with the happy side first (:

field trip with the children to sungei buloh was simply awesome ;DD feel so proud of my SL group for forging such a strong bond with the children (: the enthusiasm of the children was also simply unwavering and it made me feel so fresh and alive to be with them (:

afterwards lunched with jiayi and jingyin ;DD haha we spoke about weird, awesome, funny stuff ;DD jiayi and her ice kachang xD then mrted with jingyin but she got off before me o.o tralala but talking to her about a variety of weird topics was just awesome ;DD we even drifted off to our maths homework o.o

after that, not as nice.

if someone doesn't appreciate you, then why care? i've been trying to figure out the answer to this stupid question for so long. i woke up today still fuming at them and totally clueless as to what the answer is.

it's sickening to see people forget about the good side of things, and it's even more nauseating to watch people abuse authority (if there even is one) and draining the happiness away from cheerful people, sucking the joy out of a great day.

i don't care what you think, i don't care what you do. i'm gonna take my own stride, and i'll knock down the walls you build in front of me. even though i know this is all comes down to nothing, in spite of knowing that i'm simply walking around in a tiny circle that will take me nowhere, i'm gonna continue what i love, continue what i do. there may come a day when i just drop this halfway, but that will be when i see this place has nothing for me and that it has gone beyond all hope.

you're distasteful and ungrateful.

well, let's end off happily instead. trololol shall go prac piano now, i'm kinda screwed for ____ but... well, nothing wrong with making the most out of it (: byes~

2011-08-13T23:52:00.003+08:00

finally updated my wishlist after 4 months o.o realised i pretty much just deleted a lot of them, rather than updating them, at most i simply changed 2011 to 2012. just shows how empty my life is now, how negative and pessimistic i am, and how much less i care about so many things.

deliberated over deleting one of them for a while, and at last decided that i should give it a try. perhaps things will pick up once i'm less busy.

oh and i think the anonymous person who tagged on my tagboard could have misinterpreted who i was referring to in my previous post. i wasnt referring to anyone from school o.o

as i skim through my posts, i realised that the more recent ones are, simply put, a lot more solemn. wow thanks goes out to myself for being unable to face reality with a positive attitude rather than a negative and irritable one.

wells time for me to go crash now, nights.

2011-08-13T20:31:00.003+08:00

zomg havent been blogging as frequently already D:

pfft really tired nowadays, probably caused because of sleeping at 12 instead of the usual 11 o.o

today was fun i guess, gift + acp haha! ;DD only down point was not going for sl today and seeing the awesome children there D: oh wells next week is field trip, which means more interaction with them! ;DD

huibao on thurs was... i guess a whole new experience o.o it's not the first time i was sitting alone in front playing, but i was new to giving comments. i was actually impressed by quite a few people ;DD awesome knowing the effort they put in (: especially this one person, i mean i knew she was good, but i never knew the extent of her awesomeness since i've never heard her play a long extract alone till that day ;DD and to add on to it she's also really quiet such that i didn't expect it o.o cant believe it zomg zomg i honestly think she's real awesome! (: seriously when she started playing i was smiling all over like a weirdo already xD

relatives came over on friday (: they left today though, and i didnt get to see them off D:

i don't like the feeling that i'm being replaced. and what makes it worse is that i think i'm being replaced by someone with an entirely different personality. it gives me the impression that my personality was never that noticeable or important to anyone anyways, that i was perhaps simply a shadow, or a 2D figure, that never once impacted anyone. don't get me wrong, i bear no resentment whatsoever towards my 'replacement', and i'm also not saying that i think of myself as an influential or important figure to anyone, but it honestly makes me feel that i've made no difference to the world :/

lately i'm becoming more and more distant with this group of people i once thought were great friends. i know part of it's because i'm getting more and more cautious and paranoid, reading too deep into things, leading me to put on this facade and hide my true personality. never know, maybe wearing my heart on my sleeve could solve this, but on the other hand it may make things worse, and i'll simply fall deeper and deeper into this trench that i've dug up for myself. and this could also have been caused by these people excluding me. it's just not as natural as before, and neither is it as fun and loving anymore.

oh what a losing battle i'm fighting. i'm simply stoning around and not doing anything to make it better.

hmm well that should be all ba. ciao~

2011-08-10T19:29:00.002+08:00

last day of the long weekend D: tomorrow i'll be off to school once again, and return home super late from mtdc o.o

what a routine schedule i have nowadays. somehow i feel as though i'm too rigid, that my life is simply a cycle of 7 days that repeats itself, of course with a few changes here and there, but overall it's still just the cycle.

wasted away today o.o i should learn to be more productive pfft .__.

anws that's all, tata (:

2011-08-06T20:13:00.002+08:00

i feel replaced :/

that feeling of despondency i feel when i think of it :/ ohwells all the more not to let it enter my head.

sl was awesome today ;DD and so was breakfast with jingyin ahaha we should do that more often xD

was considering going to gift today. guess it was kinda like a spur of the moment thing, when tricia asked me if i was leaving early, and i suddenly remembered about gift. zomg was really really tempted to go once the thought entered my mind o.o but in the end decided not to go. not like i was that essential there anymore anyways.

was watching a dvd just now, the movie was awesome ;DD zomg it's so sweet, touching, with just the exact dosage of comedic elements that make it simply perfect (: and one of my favourite actors was in the movie. PERFECT.

tralalala i shall go slack some more now, tata (:

2011-08-02T14:56:00.002+08:00

oh my goodness i feel such a wave of disappointment sweeping over me now ): oh wells i'll get over it ba (:

haha today was fun ;DD (apart from lit exam fsdfiqvkbhjalkej)

lit exam was PURE HORROR. the questions were simply... and having one of your teachers (who invigilated for geog paper too pfft) walking around the room with many pauses to stare at your answers concerning romeo and juliet, which i dont understand why interest him, was entirely helpful (yes i hope you can detect the sarcasm dripping off my tongue).

well it got better afterwards (:

went out with jingyin for lunch at plaza sing (: IT WAS SIMPLY AWESOME HAHA ;DD there was this point of time where we just laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed x infinity xD

well i better do geog pt now, tata (:

I'm not getting sucked into the vortex of your insanity again xD

2011-07-31T23:56:00.003+08:00

hellos (:

my brother's trying to convince me to download this maroon 5 song o.o he bought the album before the song was included as a normal truck rather than a bonus track.

and this is the second time he got cheated by them due to buying the albums too early o.o

no school tmrw wheee ;DD but the joy has been kinda suppressed due to lit exam on tuesday. the horror of having to study... after these round of exams i shall slack for a while, till the EYAs come .__.

hmm but i still have to go to school since i left my maths file containing the PPA and assignment in my locker .__. pfft what a waste of energy haha xD

well yep that's all, ciao~

2011-07-28T20:31:00.002+08:00

was clearing my tagboard that's been overloaded by spam. i honestly wonder why i haven't deleted it yet o.o anws yeah found out who's been typing those nice messages, including the most recent one (thanks so much yeah :]) and who typed a mean one .__. i guess he/she thought i'd never know.

well cooled down a bit i guess :/ feels strange not going for mtdc o.o

i take back what i just said, i'm still angry .__. not at the tagboard person but at the person mentioned in the previous post.

hmm well i shall go do something now, tata~

2011-07-28T18:21:00.004+08:00

this piercing feeling of disappointment and betrayal is gnawing at my already incomplete heart.

oh the animosity and frustration i feel when thinking of her.

to be truthful, i simply don't even know why i'm upset.

i guess i kind of expected it from her? but perhaps i just didn't want to believe she would do such a malicious thing. okay i'm sounding malicious myself too now, but i simply can't be bothered.

well a blog's supposed to be for me to pour out my inner feelings right?

hmm at least most of it.

why are people so competitive? honestly i have no idea what type of upbringing and childhood these people had that caused them to be this ruthless. if they're just that competitive they'll never know the true meaning of friendship.

who ditches a friend for grades? who goes behind her friend's back to do such spiteful things? and who tries to cover it up?

or perhaps i'm not even a friend in her eyes, since she doesn't know what the word means.

thanks yeah. it means a lot to me for teaching me that i can't trust you anymore. don't worry, i'll try not to make that mistake anymore, lest you feel even the slightest bit guilty, which i guess is something you haven't felt before either, seeing as you can do such ridiculous stuff without any hesitation.

hmm after rereading the above i think some people will misunderstand me to be talking about this person but actually it's not her. she's a pretty nice person actually (:

haha me and jingyin went to the library today and fell asleep on the beanbag. i woke up at 2.25 and seeing we were going to be late, SMACKED JINGYIN'S LEG AHAHAHAHA xD oh well it worked thou, she did wake up xD

okay that was awesome teehee :b

zomg honestly i think 207 rgco people are simply awesome ;DD oh wait that's only 3 people? well we're still just that great (: was having lunch with jingyin and jovin yesterday, and it was just awesome ;DD

tralalala i shall take my mind off the above person (: who cares if she's like that? i'll just work even harder in the upcoming stuff (:

2011-07-27T22:25:00.002+08:00

a large, heavy rock was lifted off my heart upon submitting my sip report. 2 continuous days of hard work and fatigue has finally come to an end (:

of course, that is, till the results come out and that feeling of dread washes over me like a waterfall.

went swimming just now, haven't swum in a week O: haha i think i'm getting arm muscles from swimming, not that feminine huh o.o

french exam is around a month from now. HORROR.

looked at my phone bill just now. skyrocketed through the roof .__.

hmm well yeah guess that's all, tata (:

2011-07-25T22:32:00.001+08:00

tomorrow's chinese exam and it's already 10 past my usual bedtime yet here i am posting this .__.

feeling kinda down today, what with sip report and lab book and some other weird stuff happening. sometimes i feel as though all my commitments and problems are pulling at one side of me at every single moment of the day, urging me to focus on them only. that could perhaps explain the reason why i'm simply unable to concentrate and focus nowadays.

oh the feeling of horror and sheer terror when i think of several things.

nowadays i don't even have the time to blog as much as i used to before. sometimes i feel like i'm taking up to much upon myself. sometimes i should simply take the backseat and let others steer me off to who-knows-where and hope that the journey will be smooth, that the ending will be peaceful.

but on the other hand sometimes i want to take the wheel. on certain occasions i feel obligated to do something just for me, and not for anyone else. when the sails of blissful happiness pass by me, it blocks away the all the worries. i don't have to worry about what others think, i don't have to think of how it will affect others, i don't have to focus on anyone but me. however, when that ship does pass, what was previously blocked emerges once again, and this time the feeling feels deeper and my heart feels heavier than ever.

why is it now we can't see, we can't feel, we can't think yet we want to do? 50 years down the road we'll be able to see, to feel, to think, but we will no longer be able to do it anymore.

i just want to have a green pasture in the distance, at least i'll have something to work towards. with that green pasture in view, then i'd hope for many signboards telling me the right way to go so that i won't fall. but i don't even have that green pasture. i'm simply wandering around listlessly, not knowing which direction to go.

after every setback, be it major or minor, though mostly minor i guess, i constantly tell myself not to feel disheartened, but to learn from the mistake. but why is it that i keep coming face to face with the same problem, and falling down the deep, dark hole, injuring myself further? i feel as though my life so far (yes it's probably like a bed of roses to certain people who don't even comprehend me) has simply been this giant wheel that keeps spinning round and round and the sequence of events constantly repeat itself. however, each time the giant wheel spins, it digs in even deeper into the ground, and the poor, sad ground loses part of itself after each cycle.

oh what the heck i've no time for this kind of soul-searching. i have a chinese exam tomorrow and i need to focus.

i typed this out at midnight but didn't post it till now .__.

2011-07-24T16:56:00.002+08:00

~~lying through my teeth~~ avoidinghaving to answer a sensitive question by giving answers partially irrelevant to the situation.

yes this is my weird method of avoiding an awkward issue. yet it has opened my eyes to how unhappy many people are to negative feedback, or perhaps it's simply how there seems to be no bond strong enough to withstand the tention without snapping when one bluntly tells another what she thinks.

i know i should be grateful that she cared enough to ask, but somehow it had the reverse effect and simply put, i feel more unhappy with that person for not comprehending what i was hinting at the whole time. okay she probably did, a bit, but it had the wrong focus. or once again, on the other hand, it could simply be me not making myself clear enough.

communication

what a dull word yet with crucial importance in every human relationship. it's an art that's so hard to master but a gift that brings two people closer.

was talking to a few people yesterday when i realised that many things i saw are never registered in their minds. i have no idea why or how people can easily disregard important information being disseminated to them. okay i know i'm guilty of this too, but that doesn't make this problem any easier to comprehend.

oh never mind i shall put aside what i said yesterday, it was meant for you all, but i'm sure you'll never be able to accept the facts and face it, therefore i shall once again, give irrelevant answers.

thanks for doing something and merely thinking of your own benefits and forgetting the true and main objective of it which is to be beneficial for another.

2011-07-22T22:44:00.001+08:00

Oh my goodness I somehow detest all the ambient fake pretensions going on.

Oh hmm did I mention you're doing all these for the wrong reasons with the wrong intentions?

2011-07-22T21:40:00.002+08:00

still feeling nostalgic over harry potter :/

i dont care if people say the movie wasn't good, or that it wasn't dramatic enough or whatever. personally, i feel they should simply pay some respects to the movie series that has lasted 10 long years. people my age have known of the movies since we were at the young age of 4, and if one cannot bring herself to feel even a minuscule bit of sadness and emptiness, i honestly don't think they have a soul. okay, perhaps they didn't grow up with harry potter like i did, that i don't mind. but if they did, unless they seriously thought it was a horrendous series from the beginning, they should give it due respect.

reminiscing snippets of the harry potter movies have left me standing alone on an island wishing i had an admission letter to hogwarts and a broom to fly there.

hmm wells enough rambling on on harry potter lest i start tearing again.

meeting jingyin tomorrow for breakfast haha xD epic zomg (:

hmm today = not such an awesome day :/ well hmm yeahs so that's all tata~

nostalgia

2011-07-18T18:14:00.003+08:00

somehow realised during class that i hadn't done a lot of my hbl work. partly due to my blurness pfft .__. lit + maths = horror X:

accidentally zi-hai in front of a teacher today why do i have to constantly burst into a state of wistfulness and social unconsciousness?

oh and speaking of that, i started crying during philo group discussion today after rambling to my group on harry potter :/ the teacher was kind enough to point me out at the end of the lesson by saying class can you get back to your seats and stop the chitchatting... and the crying over harry potter mehehehe *sadistic laugh*. POOFYPOOPOPFFFT.

anws better start chionging work now bishhh no mood. and i honestly had no idea that geog pt prep was tomorrow, and how does one prep and consult the teacher if she hasn't even started?

hmm well that was a rhetorical question so guess i now have to go chiong geog pt too tata~

2011-07-17T22:00:00.002+08:00

i simply cant stop thinking about the harry potter movie after watching it yesterday. scenes of the movie are constantly resonating louder than ever in my mind, leading my brain activity to come to an abrupt standstill.

2011-07-16T20:20:00.003+08:00

i honestly believe that i'm turning into this misanthropic, pessimistic person who constantly thinks too deep into things.

in this place i strangely don't feel appreciated or acknowledged. okay perhaps i'm actually not doing enough or even if i try it's not useful. but recently i feel like that feeling of appreciation and gratitude from others is what keeps me going on. the smiles of the children in kidsREAD actually makes me look forward to it every single week (:

okay now that i'm thinking of kidsREAD let me bring the topic away from one that was supposed to be self-reflecting to one that is idyllically happy and delightful (:

maybe last week i wasn't that enthusiastic yet, but after this week i honestly think kidsREAD is awesome (: oh my goodness this child was constantly asking me to sit next to him haha! somehow being with children makes me feel so happy and hyper (: zomg maybe i'll go be a pediatrician or something (:

teehee FUN.

okay i'm smiling all over now simply thinking about kidsREAD (: looking forward to next week's session! (:

2011-07-16T17:43:00.002+08:00

sl in the morning - woke up really early for it

mtdc in the afternoon - missed lunch for it

(supposedly) gift debrief after mtdc - simply too tired to go

okay fine perhaps when people see this they may go - lol not tiring what and you still say you're tired you spoilt bratty moron. but oh my goodness if you spend your morning with children who are somehow, idk why, more hyper than gift children, and have to cheer up a crying child, solve this 'dispute' between two children because one bit the other, etc etc other things children do, i'm pretty sure by the time you go for mtdc you'll be drained of all your energy.

mtdc was fun i guess, but honestly really tiring. and because of it i ended up missing lunch, and still i was late :/ haiz.

wanted to go for gift but was simply too tired and hungry so just went home. i honestly have no idea whether i'm ever gonna have the energy for gift on saturdays. or if i'll just end up not coming for even one session.

and lately there's been this feeling of ___ that stops me :/

well watching hp 7 in 3d later, if i end up falling asleep in the cinema i'm gonna slap myself. ciao~

HANDOVER

2011-07-14T22:55:00.005+08:00

ginteng i know you're gonna read this someday haha, well hear goes (:

shan't post details of what happened in handover today, just that what i felt was an entirely different feeling o.o

there's such a big difference between saying

"the seniors are leaving"

and

"the seniors have left"

for the first statement, there's just somehow this thinking that they at least have a few more days, hours, minutes, seconds before they really do leave, and this thought keeps you going on, but for the latter statement, somehow reality just comes crashing down and you realse the seniors have really left, and are no longer leading everyone again :/ gosh this feeling is simply nauseating and distressing :/

haiz i'll really miss batch'11 a lot, i know it probably sounds cliched and repetitive to others, but yeah, i have nothing to rebut since it's simply the truth :/

2011-07-13T22:05:00.002+08:00

taking a break from chinese homework to blog this o.o

zomg i just dont like the way people keep thinking i have it really easy and that i'm just some bratty person who rants all day long even though her life is supposedly perfect .__. i mean i'm not saying my life sucks and i have the hardest life of everyone in the world, but i do know that i'm not the happiest person in the world either. i'm aware of the fact that that's probably due to my pessimistic and misanthropic nature and mindset, but who ever said that mindset was easy to change to? it's our experiences that shape how we think, and from what happened since october to now, ... let's just say i don't trust people as much as i used to :/ and besides, who ever said i post everything on my blog? not all problems go up here, so don't judge me if you don't even know the full story of what i'm feeling and going through at this point of time. perhaps to others it may seem petty and obscure, but some things matter a lot to me, even if no one understands why.

sometimes when people who have loads more time and fewer commitments than me complain to me about being stressed out, i keep thinking they dont know the meaning of stress. i'm not saying that i've been through a lot of stress before, but i do know that what i, or that person, am going through is nowhere near the true meaning of stress.

this isn't exactly a ranting post but more of a self-reflecting post i guess :/ if i were to list out all the flaws i believe i have, the list would go on and on. i dont see this as having low self-esteem or no confidence, but more of acknowledging my bad points and accepting it while at the same time trying to improve myself.

i miss my primary school life a lot :/ on monday me and someone were reminiscing about our primary school life and we came to the same conclusion - that it was simply a lot better than now :/ i know, we're now more mature and sensitive, we notice more, we rebel more, we get upset more. i guess that's all part of growing up, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. letting go isn't as easy as merely letting hold of your grip over a stress ball, or even just a tissue paper. i keep telling myself i should forget about it, but of course that's kinda tough right :/

i actually think my life's pretty smooth, or perhaps my criteria of 'rough', 'rocky' and 'tough' is just too high, but i sometimes feel ashamed when i see others having things tougher than me. actually it depends more on our resilience level i guess. someone in my shoes may simply face a bad examination score, whereas someone in an ledc may be having trouble surviving. i know it sucks to think about right. experiences define us, it makes us stronger and tougher. we look back at our mistakes and laugh over it, even though it actually isn't even a laughing matter. we go through more, we cope better with more. well that actually makes sense to me o.o

okay i think i'm pretty much going around in circles. i know what i'm thinking but i'm simply not good at translating it into words. so much for taking literature next year haha (: speaking of which, we have to choose our subject combis soon. i'm still in a dilemma :/

well i guess that's it, back to chinese homework (:

2011-07-12T16:36:00.002+08:00

listening to different versions of 十面埋伏 played by several awesome pipa players. i don't think i'll ever come close to being able to play half as well as them :/

i'm kinda screwed for my solo right :/ especially since i found out it's at the same place, same date as last year's horror event O:

happy thoughts happy thoughts o.o

2 free blocks in school today - awesome right ;DD haha so spent it studying with jingyin, but of course we were constantly disrupted by many things, which included our own digression teehee :b

geog and maths ppa tomorrow X: sheer terror O: why on earth do they have to put to two subjects i'm the most scared of on the same day D: oh darn i dont even know the full exam schedule, i'm not sure whether maths or geog comes first hmm asked around today but forgot the answers my classmates gave o.o

first gift session this saturday! (that i wont be able to go for) zomg this feels kinda sad D: kidsREAD is awesome, but it's just not the same as gift :/ during kidsREAD session i was constantly reminded of gift. gift somehow feels like this organisation where everything somehow seems to flow really well :/ it's not as structured as kidsREAD or anything, but that doesn't make it any less awesome :/ haiz i'll miss gift, especially during this semester when i won't be able to come for sessions that much :/ i keep telling myself i'll rush for debriefs, but i'm already busy enough as it is, and tired too. i dont think constantly rushing around is a good idea for me :/ and as for missing ___ to come for gift sessions, my parents don't seem to approve and i think that's quite a bad idea too since it seems pretty indecent and mean of me to forgo ___ once in a while to go for gift sessions :/

haiz :/

hmm wells yep that's all, shall take a short nap now, really sleepy *yawns*

2011-07-09T21:40:00.002+08:00

mass rambling session to chee yang. started off with me saying why i felt like an outsider in ___, then why i think i have no appetite to eat for the second time, and ended with me pretty much yelling what i felt about _______ to chee yang. result: tears.

i hate crying okay i can't stand crying every single time something bad blows up, but sometimes i just cant help it. who wants a friend who leaves her standing alone in the middle of nowhere left with nothing, without even realising she was the one who took everything away.

i'm just so hurt and angry and disappointed now. it's like this big huge wave that's come thrashing onto the shore and swept all the sand back into the ocean. i can't focus or even think of anything but her and what she did to me. this waterfall of emotions are constantly banging in my mind, giving me this huge and horrible headache. the teeth of disappointment and hurt gnawing in my heart.

i know my english has been horrible throughout this entire post but i just dont care anymore.

2011-07-09T20:30:00.003+08:00

first nap i've taken this entire week. feel really refreshed yet more nervous and scared now that i know i have 2 hours less of time to finish the truckload of homework i've been dumped with :/

no appetite to eat dinner :/ and that's weird since i missed lunch yesterday too since i had no appetite then either o.o

i typed out an email to send to chinese teacher about submitting homework late, but then idk why i stoned at the page for so long, and in the end deleted the email without sending :/

anws yeah that's all, back to work now, tata.

2011-07-09T16:51:00.002+08:00

i'm freaking pissed with you now. due to your incompetence in doing even the simplest of task, i ended up doing all your stupid and dirty work. i left some work undone so you would do it, but in the end due to your incompetence in doing another simple task, me and a few others had to do it for you once again. and then you came boldly, taking all our effort as yours, pretending what we did was your work, taking it all as your own without even acknowledging us. you just came in as though you were the centre of the universe, picked up our work and started acting as though you did it all by yourself. you didn't even have the courtesy to give a simple apology or even say a simple thanks.

oh and you know what else happened? i realised you didn't even care enough to stay updated on what's going on. and when you found something out, you refused to accept it as you had your own plans. i'm sorry, i also dont want to do what i said we had to as i still have yet to catch up on all the sleep i lost doing your crap.

reason why i didn't blog yesterday - she left me with too much of her stupid work to do

reason why i feel stupid blogging now - i have too much of my own work undone to do.

2011-07-07T23:36:00.002+08:00

pfft what the heck why do i feel like i'm taking to much upon myself once again? this always happens during ___ assignments :/ idk if it's really happening or if i'm just being... paranoid i guess :/

mtdc was super tiring today O: chionged dinner with tricia, gek yee and wan ying zomg haha epic xD

pfft anyways that's pretty much all i really feel like sleeping but i have to look for something :/ well tata~

2011-07-06T22:15:00.002+08:00

zomg zomg tiring today O:

yet i feel strangely happy and hyper now teehee :b must be the endorphins from swimming just now (:

currently doing english oral zomg heard some groups finished their ppt already O:

got back our mye french paper today O: zomg better than expected ;DD except my listening compre and redaction is screwed as usual .__. siannn why can't i write and listen properly o.o

hmm well yeah that's pretty much all, tralala byebyes (:

2011-07-05T23:09:00.001+08:00

zomg sleepy now shall blog tomorrow :X

2011-07-04T11:52:00.003+08:00

pfft don't you just detest the feeling when you know you've done so much and put in your best effort yet this certain group of people with supposed higher authority, advantage or something, simply put, thinks you don't give a crap :/ and also you go through so much sadness and misery yet people who don't even know the full story claim you are one happy-go-lucky person and for some reason portrays you in a bad way? maybe they dislike you or whatever, and you know you're not supposed to care yet you can't help it? oh man this just sucks :/

listening to the lion king soundtrack now haha (: IT'S AWESOME ;DD positively one of the best movies ever made (:

well yeah that's all byebyes (:

1200th post! ;DD

2011-07-03T22:44:00.003+08:00

awesome to see such progress in my blog post count ;DD

zomg my wrist is kinda injured now D: painful when it's at an angle or something (zomg my command of english is like .__. now) pfft so now it's wrapped up in some plaster. not serious thou teehee :b

didnt blog yesterday D:

mtdc yesterday zomg there was this part where everyone was not supposed to play cos it was a kongpai for all, but then this happy pipa-er, ME, somehow continued playing zomg idk what was wrong with me O: then everyone looked at me and i just said, sorry paiseh *waves hands around in apology and embarrassment* and everyone just laughed O:

today was okay i guess zomg went out for dinner and i'm still so full now haha xD went for a haircut too zomg my hair looks so short and feels so light haha xD

well that's all zomg tired tired and my wrist hurts tata~

2011-07-01T23:16:00.003+08:00

put off something really important for this person and now he decides that hes too busy and happily ditches us. oh whee now i just found out it's too late for me to do that something already. you could always have told me hmm say 15 days early?

finally found someone who faces exactly one of the biggest problem i'm facing too O: wow spent like one hour talking to her today haha xD zomg felt amazing finally letting out everything i felt and all my worries and stuff to someone who really understands O: our problems are just so similar that i'm amazed zomg O: never expected that me and her could actually relate to each other well (:

thanks for that long and wonderful conversation we had today haha (:

arts fest performance today was... interesting i guess o.o i guess there was this surge of emotions in rgco since it was our last performance with batch'11 :/ it was our last time playing hua mulan too :/ right after the performance i suddenly felt that there was no more goal that rgco could work towards. syf over, arts fest over. and there's only a couple of days left till handover :/ i expected to be relieved since now we dont have to prac that intensively till concert but i guess i didnt even feel a glimmer of that relief :/

while playing hua mulan i guess i got kinda distracted when realisation that this would be the last performance the syf batch would be having together dawned upon me :/ in parts of hua mulan i suddenly felt kinda emotional :/ hearing the entire orchestra make such awesome music with the sec 4s was awesome (: it wouldn't have been that awesome without them (:

rgco batch'11 i'm gonna miss you guys so much and i seriously hate that 2 year gap between us since that means i'm not gonna see you guys in rijc D: but this journey with you guys has honestly been an awesome one, and it's one i'm sure i'll remember forever.

rgco good job (:

well yeah i guess that's pretty much all that happened today, tired now, tata (:

2011-06-30T23:17:00.002+08:00

haha hall assembly was interesting today ;DD there was this debate tournament between 408 and 403. 408 had ashlynna and 403 had laura lee, so it was kinda like some prefect tournament especially since they were debating about school uniforms xD cliched topic i know, but it relates really well to us (: so then 408's second speaker, ashynna, really related the topic to us, oh and she was really engaging and entertaining too xD zomg PLAIN AWESOME ;DD laura was great too haha her content was really awesome and rich and she presented it well. zomg she didnt even stutter too ahaha xD hmm well she got best speaker in the end ;DD

i actually thought 408 was more engaging but 403 had better content O: thought 408 was gonna win thou, but 403 won in the end xD guess they probably judged them with content having a higher weightage? o.o

after that was head prefect candidate speech - shant mention anything else about it since i dont want people to speculate who i'm likely to vote for O:

hmm well then lessons were interesting too i guess ;DD CANT BELIEVE IT'S ALREADY TERM 3 O: i feel old o.o

arts fest rehearsal afterwards - zomg it ended super late since everything was delayed so i and the other mtdc people decided to leave early :/ then the train was really crowded yet our bags were so heavy. oh and we were hungry too. initially planned to go for dessert after mtdc but went to have our 'dessert' before mtdc. hmm but it was before dinner hmm o.o well after mtdc went for dinner haha xD

zomg there's another taonan person in mtdc hahahaha xD awesome tnsco power ;DD

well that's all, tata (:

2011-06-29T22:54:00.003+08:00

zomg chionging maths aa now O:

zomg was super sleepy today O: hmm idk why teehee (: i remember really clearly falling asleep during french and suddenly bolted upright for some reason o.o i think i was dreaming and suddenly got a shock ahahaha xD hmm weird ehhh xD

worried for rs and sip D: hope i can complete it in time :/

arts fest rehearsal tomorrow. zomg haha after that me and the others in mtdc have to chiong for prac there right after the rehearsal, oh and we're gonna miss dinner for that too pfft .__. haha but then we're probably going for dessert so ohwells - AWESOME ;DD

anws that's all, back to frustrating maths aa xD

2011-06-28T19:54:00.003+08:00

2nd day of term 3 - i'm surviving teehee :b

after school went for lunch with sicheng and jiemei. zomg haha i never thought we'd ever go out for lunch together xD hmm well guess it was fun haha sicheng and jiemei's characters are like total opposites yet they're such great friends ;DD

that's called rgco magic (:

hmm well after that went home and...

*PLONK*

sleeping (:

well hmm guess that was a refreshing nap xD

currently listening to the music sicheng said she listens to when she needs to concentrate o.o oh well it's nice music xD

hmm okay that's all (: first french lesson in a long time tomorrow O: ciao~

2011-06-27T18:55:00.002+08:00

zomg okay i'm finally gonna update on the entire of last week from wednesday xD

Wednesday

zomg co camp day 1 was AWESOME ;DD haha loads of fun and laughter and awesomeness xD station games and mass games were epic hee xD sectional lunch at plaza sing ;DD hahahaha zomg so many people went to buy gongcha O: hmm then after camp me clarissa and yajiun went to far east to drink bubble tea and talk (:

Thursday

co camp day 2 = awesomer ;DD haha i keep remembering the movie screening during lunch when the lights were all off and we were watching the last song. everyone was crying secretly teehee xD but ginteng and jiemei... xD hee then ginggongyan was fun too (: PIZZA weehee~ sectional dinner afterwards, haha then somehow dengyue from xianyue came too ;DD but it was fun ba ;DD except that i left early o.o

Friday

arts fest rehearsal turnout was super disappointing D: there were quite few people, such that pipa could actually be heard often zomg O: oh and i was the only pipa there too - without nicole, jinyao, yuqing = mass panicking O: that's like the first time i've been on stage with rgco but without them D: i mean it was only a rehearsal, but still o.o hmm guess i'm just not used to be with rgco without them :/ hmm pracced a bit after arts fest rehearsal too haha it was super productive (:

oh yeah weiting made her debut as our conductor teehee xD

Saturday

had gift meeting but went late so i could catch some shut eye. on friday before tuition i had a massive throbbing headache and i kept feeling like sleeping :/ hmm well then i guess the meeting was productive and important (: chionged to the 6i reunion after the meeting as i was already late O: arrived at the mrt station and somehow walked the wrong direction and got lost .__. hmm so i finally arrived to find everyone wet having gone into the pool. pfft i ended up in the pool too in the end .__. well but even though fewer people came for this reunion than the previous one i guess it was awesome seeing everyone again ;DD

Sunday

my pipa teacher finally came back from china so i had my first lesson in a long time haha xD afterwards went home and found that there was no lunch so i went out to buy, and it started raining really heavily while i was out O: just my luck, i got drenched .__. hmm so after lunch chionged to tuition and saw ashleigh there whee ;DD

Today

first day of term 3 O: pfft i honestly cant wake up early anymore .__. well but i guess it's fun seeing everyone again after one month haha xD oh and i just found out we have a few assessments coming up pfft .__.

hmm yeah that's all, shall go chiong maths hw now tata (:

2011-06-25T22:35:00.001+08:00

psps will blog tomorrow ><

2011-06-24T21:55:00.002+08:00

haha arts fest rehearsal today (: tanbo was the most present woohoo xD or maybe i'm just biased :b hmm but since there was only 1 diyin and 5 xianyues, tanbo could be heard super clearly zomg O:

oh ahaha weiting made her debut as our conductor today xD

afterwards pracced a bit then went for lunch ;DD FUN ehh zomg haha spoke to the 2 juniors who came for the lunch xD hee theyre like super shy or something, each time we spoke to them they'd start giggling and speaking to each other and will only MAYBE answer us haha xD

went home to nap (: then tuition O:

well hmm that's all, tata (:

2011-06-23T22:42:00.003+08:00

zomg okay i just realised i've been too tired to blog much this entire week O:

well anws just a quick recap (:

day 2 of rgco june camp was AWESOME ;DD hahaha zomg EPIC ;DD the video was funny too haha, spammed with unglam photos of everyone xD

oh and congratz tanbo for coming in 4th place for mass games + station games! ;DD

(see i said 4th place not last place teehee :b)

never mind, we shall steal 1st place back from chuiguan next camp! oh and we still have our prize from last year's june camp where we got first place - meaning our blue wooden board with a humongous flower with a face on the top xD

afterwards went for dinner with a few tanbo people and deng yue xD left early thou :/

hmm okay that's all, tata (:

2011-06-22T21:13:00.002+08:00

i honestly wish i'd posted this a few second ago.

somebody just happily decided to ruin my day.

someone thinks i'm some kind of moron (i won't specify in what aspect).

and i'm sure you're too insensitive to understand that such things hurt,

especially since they're coming from someone who supposedly knows me really well.

lately i've found the urge to yell vulgarities at those who piss me off really tempting. i could type them all out here or just shout it out now.

anws shall update about june camp another time, shant let this horrible mood spoil it. ciao~

2011-06-21T22:21:00.000+08:00

watched jane eyre today with my mom haha xD afterwards went for dinner.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY MOM AND DAD ;DD

well hmm yep that's probably all haha so tata (:

iridescent - linkin park

2011-06-21T01:12:00.007+08:00

words can't express what i feel.

pictures can't express what i feel.

this song can.

in the abyss of all these darkness we've fallen into, what we have to do is to get back on our feet and keep walking. who cares if the path is filled with traps and people who want to put us down? who cares if our past catches up with us? who cares if we can't reach what we're looking for?

we have to keep walking.

what happened has past, the only thing we can do is to change how we respond to the situation. that's why we keep walking.

i'm sorry for what i did and i'm sorry for all the hurt that came with it. i can't change it, but i know i can make it better for others.

thanks for not keeping this away from me.

we will remain friends.

2011-06-20T21:58:00.001+08:00

mtdc camp today. TIRING. thinking of ponning tomorrow to make time for homework and sleep time :/

gift camp was awesome ;DD

2011-06-19T22:07:00.003+08:00

zomg i really need to catch up on sleep now, only slept for 4 hours for the past 2 nights O:

gift camp was AWESOME ;DD

there were loads of takeaways and some realy emotional times, but it was still awesome ;DD

hmm shall talk more about gift camp tomorrow, really sleepy now O:

2011-06-16T15:14:00.003+08:00

caring, apologies, trying. all these don't matter when it still ends up screwed.

where's the damn undo button when you really need it.

---------------

rambling session to rosalyn again, and it ended just like it has always done, with tears. the song playing on the radio now really reflects what i feel. talk about good timing huh.

this week has been really screwed. first my wonderful spots caused by an allergy, and now some complications in one thing i cared so much about.

i'm unconsciously stuffing a lot of random stuff in my bag now o.o

having dinner and possibly dessert later (: zomg tricia HAHA funny xD

"great minds think alike, greater minds think different, greatest minds think like me!"

EPIC.

well at least that's one thing to cheer me up for now (:

so yep that's all ttfn.

2011-06-15T14:04:00.002+08:00

pfft i wanna sleep real bad but i'm here ranting on some rubbish .__.

now let me figure out how to phrase this in such a way that will not seem obvious who i'm referring to...

i cant believe ___ has the nerve to initiate something which leads to us planning and planning for it, and all of a suddenly he says "ooh i'm not so sure..." right before the event. sheesh doesn't he know that nothing comes with just a snap of the fingers? last i check, i'm not mary poppins or something. oh what the heck i shan't bother about him >:(

on a lighter mood, at least one person seems to care, and i'm really grateful (:

but still, i can't believe how one, no two people actually, were able to ruin something so important and sentimental for me. i just feel so mad at them now, and i doubt they even know what on earth they're doing.

well let's change the topic now.

woke up early to meet hwi soo at school for maths aa discussion today. whee starbucks breakfast! (: hmm then we discussed blahblahblah. conclusion: we're screwed. pfft .__.

lunched with hwi soo after that haha xD then i thought i was gonna be late for piano and i was super tired so i decided to reschedule it muahaha xD okay never mind now i'm wide awake in my anger but that won't last since at 5pm i'll be drooling and sleeping like a pig once more.

now where's my stress ball. oh wait i dont have one. i think. pfft .__. anws byes.

2011-06-15T00:39:00.001+08:00

help sometimes comes at an unexpected time, regarding something unexpected, from someone unexpected.

thank you so much (:

2011-06-14T22:14:00.000+08:00

mtdc theory test today :/ screwed up pfft .__.

just came home from dinner (: haha fun i guess xD as usual got my mango pudding muahaha xD

meeting hwi soo tomorrow for maths aa discussion. zomg we're FINALLY starting on it zomg O: cant believe we procrastinated for so long :X

hmm okay so that's all, tata (:

family gathering! ;DD

2011-06-13T17:15:00.002+08:00

zomg FUN ;DD

haha went down memory lane at kuala selangor which was where my mom's family grew up ;DD even their old home is still there, but with some changes too of course xD did a few other interesting stuff like go up bukit malawati and stuff too (: played with my cousins too, including those i rarely talk to ;DD

highlight!

joel, my 7-year-old cousin, now knows me as AWESOME ;DD

suchen: what's my name?

joel: awesome!

cute huh :b

one super huge down point was that i know have spots/rashes all over because of an allergic reaction to some food :/ pffft .__. it looks disgusting like toad skin or something :/ okay i'm exaggerating ba it just looks weird and strangely red like sunburn colour O: i'm gonna condemn myself to wearing long sleeves and long pants till it recovers, including during gift camp xD that is, if it last till then, which is really likely according to what my uncle said .__.

speaking of gift camp...

I'M EXCITED ;DD

haha have been thinking about it for a long time already! ;DD i bet it's gonna be epic fun fun fun fun and more fun ;DD

zomg mtdc theory test tomorrow :/ someone was supposed to scan and send me the stuff i missed last sat but idk what happened :X WORRIED. zomg and i heard they're kicking people out?! pfft if only they tested abrsm theory then maybe i could bypass it :/

hmm okay that's all for now haha shall go do something now, tata (:

2011-06-09T22:41:00.003+08:00

just came home o.o

went for dental appt today in the morning with my brother. then bought my awesome sausage bun on the way home ;DD then slacked at home before going to tampines mall for dinner with tricia ;DD haha zomg the stall gave me extra rice .__. so i had an awesome time tryna finish the rice, and i bet tricia enjoyed watching me haha xD

afterwards was the first mtdc sectional prac o.o met 2 other pipas and they're really nice and friendly ;DD

then it was DESSERT with tricia and rachel ;DD FUN FUN FUN haha xD zomg we laughed laughed laughed laughed laughed laughed laughed ;DD pity gek yee couldn't come thou, we missed out on our phantom of the opera entertainment :/

cant believe the mtdc theory exam is next tues O: i thought it was next sat so i scheduled a few stuff on tues already pfft .__. hmm then next sat is actually our first combined prac so i guess i still have to miss part of gift camp for it :/ o.o and right after gift camp is mtdc camp, followed immediately by rgco camp O: tiring :X

anws yep so that's all. leaving for msia tmrw! hee but my home is still gonna be guarded by my dad muahaha xD sad he's not coming D:

hmm i better go pack now, tata (:

i'm on the edge with you xD

2011-06-08T10:41:00.002+08:00

zomg the title is purely random. edge of glory's playing on the radio now haha xD

my brother woke up at 3pm yesterday, and talked on the phone till 4.30 or so, AWESOME ;DD

pfft having a spamming of chocolate at home isn't so good. i've probably gained 34108571098234 calories from gobbling down chocolates yesterday .__. pfft i seriously have to pick up swimming again. years of not swimming made me noob like crap :/

haha excited for family gathering and gift camp! ;DD but gift camp maybe cmi on the 2nd day cos i have to go for mtdc zomg i'm missing the first 2 saturday classes :/ and then 3rd sat class has some theory exam which were thought in the first 2 classes so me = screwed .__. except for the fact i've taken abrsm theory exams already but i heard what mtdc's testing is different :X

phooey.

piano later. I MUST NOT WASTE TIME. mugger mode: on. zomg i really have to finish up my homework, especially sip wthh i have no started at all D: procrastination .__.

haha i miss co! cant wait for camp ;DD i remember last year camp was the awesomest xD

woohoooo tata (:

2011-06-07T12:12:00.002+08:00

zomg my brother's is still sleeping O: should i go pounce on him? nah i shouldnt, i'll be an awesome sister xD

zomg i'm super worried for maths aa :X my group hasn't done anything at all yet, and we aren't planning to discuss, meet up or anything yet O: and it's been a really long time since i last used excel so i have simply no idea how on earth to work it pfft .__.

family gathering this weekend! ;DD excited~

pfft the hols are ending really quick for me O: considering that i'm gonna spend the last week of the hols at ict, co camp, art fest rehearsal and a possible sleepover at cheryl's house .__. and even if the sleepover is cancelled, i'll still be at her place doing rs :/ pfft.

rs is actually fun zomg O: never thought i'd say that xD highlight of rs discussions:

1. yongling sleeping on the treadmill

2. suchen bouncing on the bouncy ball

3. exercising xD

okay maybe rs is boring but "group discussions" are FUN xD

didn't go swimming yesterday in the end D:

okay running out of things to say now so byebyes xD

2011-06-06T22:09:00.003+08:00

should i reply to that text message? or just ignore it because i'm plainly infuriated by the absurd nonsense in the contents of the message D<

CHOCOLATE PARADISE

2011-06-06T18:12:00.002+08:00

zomg haha chee yang brought home a truckload of chocolates from switzerland. AWESOME ;DD haha and now he's sleeping hmm jet lagged i guess haha xD shall jump on him tomorrow morning xD

pfft okay double checked with gek yee again and it seems like i really wont be able to go for gift in the next semester :/ and nlb isn't even similar to gift and that really sucks :/ well guess i'd better treasure the time i have with the gifters during camp and hopefully gift idol will be awesome ;DD zomg i'm really gonna miss them :/

oh wells next year mtdc will be over, and i may not be able to continue in nlb if i'm too busy so guess i'll go back to gift (: that is if they'll still have me cos idk maybe _______ [shall not disclose information since idk if it's really gonna happen or if i'm just paranoid :X]

haiz i always know change is inevitable but sometimes, or most of the times, i just can't accept it :/

sometimes people wonder why i make the effort to travel across singapore just to attend gift sessions. of course the children there are awesome and nice to interact with haha ;DD and the gifters are awesome too! ;DD and the last reason is i somehow model my life after my brother's. i guess that's not a good reason, neither is it a good way to live life but somehow i just end up doing that, as much as i hate it :/

probably going swimming again. zomg i must seriously pick up my skills again after a few years of not even getting into the pool. now i actually think i'm getting scared of the water :/ my dad says that he gets the impression that i think i'm gonna drown which is why i constantly start panicking O:

this is weird. i used to be able to swim well :/ well guess that's probably the problem with stopping for several years .__.

well byes xD my mom's on the way home and she's gonna get me the sausage bun i dearly love xD

2011-06-06T11:17:00.002+08:00

zomg reading a chinese book plus shaonianwenzhai now for chinese homework o.o long time since i last read a chinese book haha xD

had starbucks yesterday! ;DD BLISS~

chee yang's coming home today FINALLY ;DD zomg haha it's about time xD

hmm okay nothing else i'm bored now .__. ciao (:

2011-06-05T20:31:00.002+08:00

zomg just came back from swimming.

dont bother asking how it went xD

zomg okay now i'm feeling sleepy again O: only took a 15 minute nap this afternoon haha xD

cheeyang's coming home from switzerland tomorrow zomg O: HAPPY OR HAPPY ;DD

hmm okay i'm running out of random things to say, so yep, tata xD

ardor

2011-06-04T21:41:00.004+08:00

found out i'll most probably be unable to go for gift next term because of mtdc :/ i never knew i actually cared so much for gift till that moment.

took a nap immediately after reaching home from sl training. zomg what they mentioned is so similar to what i've been doing in gift for the past few months, yet gift is so unique in its own way. i dont think this sl project can actually replace it :/ there's only big book reading and no small book, and to me this actually means less interaction with the children :/ sucks right D:

i'm kinda hoping all this is a mistake, and that mtdc pracs actually won't clash with gift. well maybe it is haha xD let's just hope (: don't get too upset over this and then afterwards find out it's all just a false alarm hee xD

well tata shall go do tuition hw pfft .__.

break down these walls

2011-06-03T17:40:00.004+08:00

stumbled upon something this afternoon that really seemed to reflect what i, and i'm sure many other people, felt. zomg i suddenly felt so enlightened after i read that haha (:

just watched 2 videos taken in 2008 (: zomg i remember that the month it was taken in was positively the peak of happiness in 5i ;DD it just brings back so much memories. and what sucks is i know i shouldn't keep holding on to memories i have of 5i and 6i and instead just move on and focus on what's going on now. pfft why must there be such a big difference?

sl training tomorrow, and i'm missing the first mtdc session for it :/ pfft why can't i be able to accommodate everything :/ and tomorrow's session is in the afternoon, and i'm honestly hoping it's not gonna be at that time every week cos that will mean i cant go for gift, which is possibly gonna be in the afternoon. i'd rather it be in the morning since sl is only for 1 hour so i dont mind rushing back and forth. correction: i mind cos it's seriously draining, but if that's what it takes then no choice haha xD

hmm well that's all, byes (:

2011-06-03T12:35:00.003+08:00

zomg doing geog essay now. didnt know we were supposed to do until nicole reminded me O: pfft i can't recall any of the facts so currently the table is super messed up with all my notes sprawled all over the table. oh and with a laptop on the table too .__.

haha my first day in the hols where i totally don't have to go out at all ;DD AWESOME. so slack (:

anws nothing much happened today. ooh lunch now, tata xD

2011-06-02T21:13:00.002+08:00

wanted to wake up at 8, woke up at 9 instead .__.

now feeling groggy again.

zomg it feels as though i always feel tired after a nap because i oversleep or get woken up halfway pfft .__.

went to cheryl's place again today. AWESOME. haha this time we didn't digress as much anymore haha xD

was super tired on the way home. and deciding to walk instead of taking 2 stops made me even more tired haha xD

well that's all. tata (:

2011-06-01T23:33:00.004+08:00

now that i'm more awake i shall talk in more detail about what happened at cheryl's place ;DD

watched the movie for a while, then went downstairs to eat lunch hee ;DD MACS xD haha hana sat on the swing and would suddenly grab something from the table when she swung forward and came closer to the table xD so yumyumyum munchmunchmunch omnomnomnom we finished ;DD credits go to me and yong ling for pigging out on the fries heh xD so after eating went back upstairs to watch. o.o and we watched it in the exercise room, so me and yong ling were exercising while watching, and we continued even during discussion hehh xD AWESOME.

so went home with hana at 6+. then from the mrt station i bused with hana for two stops hee too lazy to walk xD

pfft then i was sleeping so peacefully when i was woken up by dogs zomg O: speaking of which cheryl has a dog zomg haha ;DD

sometimes when people tell me something i just have this sudden urge to simply tell them everything i'm thinking but i think i'm annoying them and most of what i wanna say are plainly irrelevant to the topic at hand :/

oh gosh i miss chee yang :/ haven't rambled out everything i did, i'm thinking of, i'm upset about to him for a long time :/

few more days :X well byes.

2011-06-01T20:14:00.002+08:00

*yawn* was woken up by the awesome dogs in the neighbourhood exchanging wonderful barks with the sole and passionate aim of waking up fellow people enjoying a blissful nap .__.

zomg feeling so groggy now :/ *yawn*

went to cheryl's house for rs discussion today haha xD AWESOME. watched tangled and discussed it with several digressions along the way xD

received an sms from mtdc *yawn* pfft i'm unable to make it for the first saturday session. and the next. and the one after the next .__. have sl training, family gathering and gift camp. or should i just leave them halfway or something, but it's *yawn* impossible to do that for the family gathering since it's not even in the country.

pfft why am i so busy in the june hols. i know i'm not exactly rushing back and forth from places but it's still tiring, or so it is for *yawn* my standard :/

grr hungry hungry *yawn* feel like eating dinner but the dining table's totally cluttered with some files and i'm too lazy to clear them.

*yawn* nope i wont sleep again. let's try to keep to that promise (:

well yeah that's all, tata. *yawn*

2011-05-31T19:36:00.003+08:00

smo 2011 today .__.

after that lunched with cheryl at plaza sing haha awesome long time haven't gone out with friends just for the fun of it xD zomg if i didn't have piano i think i would've gone to watch a movie xD so lunched, then walked around, got a belated birthday present for a certain (special awesome wonderful)x1000 someone who's birthday was in mid-may (:

mrted home. fell asleep waiting for piano teacher to come. and SHE NEVER CAME :X zomg okay maybe she went overseas and i forgot or she didn't tell me or whatever but never mind haha xD so i fell asleep at 3.45 then woke up at 5+ and when i saw the clock i started panicking .__.

dinner now haha ciao~

2011-05-30T18:06:00.000+08:00

tossing and turning after waking up and realising everything is in shambles.

self esteem

2011-05-30T13:40:00.005+08:00

noun. confidence in one's own worth of abilities; self respect.

oh my goodness can people quit degrading me? i know it was unintentional done but still... haish :/

found out something super interesting in pipa lesson ytd zomg haha ;DD when my teacher told me that, suddenly everything seemed clearer and a lot of things that happened during the audition on saturday didn't seem as puzzling xD

cant wait to tell some people about it (:

first day of hols! ;DD awesomeee~ except for the fact that i'm now freakishly bored pfft :/ oh wells being bored is still better than doing homework xD

anws shall go find something to do now, tata xD

2011-05-29T17:42:00.003+08:00

zomg jane austen = awesome ;DD
cant believe an author could craft such an awesome social commentary and also include characters who constantly come to happy endings (:
and yet she herself never married the man she loved ):

zomg watched a few jane austen movies last night and today after tuition ;DD awesomeee ;DD

my brother left for switzerland yesterday :/ 10 days of solitude :/

hmm yep update some other time (:

2011-05-28T11:17:00.003+08:00

before i start ranting on random crap let me just say that the week is up so i can talk about my feelings towards stuff and start pouting, whining and complaining again.

now co seems to be the one thing that cheers me up somehow, it's kinda replaced ____ i guess, since i really have no idea how to feel towards it. sometimes i get angry when i think of it, and sometimes i think it's fun. last week my brother spoke to me about it and i kinda understood why things have been so screwed up for me the last few weeks. wait, cancel that, it had been going on since i first stepped foot there but i was just to ignorant to notice anything. after he said that i felt loads better, but then everything small little things relating to _______ happen, i suddenly feel so much angrier. so awesome (yeah right).

missed qinggongyan yesterday cos of tuition pfft. wasted .__. wanted to go but

1. i didnt know it was to be held yesterday until on thursday.

2. i had tuition.

blasting music in my ears somehow seem to be the best cure for anger and frustration for me. i should expand the variety of the music in my computer and include my brother's songs, which involve a lot of screaming and yelling. hmm. well i heard it relieves stress or something.

well then let me just continue listening to music and block out all the crap going on now, byebyes.

2011-05-27T21:28:00.003+08:00

sports fest today! 207 was AWESOMEEEEE ;DD

tuition afterwards zomg was so sleepy the entire time O: hope i have enough energy for the auditions tmrw :/

somehow ended up volunteering for some WELLs stuff next thurs zomg never mind i think it'll be fun ;DD

LAST DAY OF SCHOOOOOOOOOL ;DD

but school still ends with loads of homework pfft .__.

anws yep so that's all ba, tata (:

2011-05-26T18:46:00.002+08:00

zomg can't believe i forgot to blog ytd O:

yesterday!

rock climbing was super duper awesome ;DD zomg climb climb climb hee xD

french was super slack ;DD went to the library (i slept there heh xD) then it was break. after break watched this ridiculously funny french movie ;DD and after that there was still some time so we listened to french music and part of poto (gek yee sanged xD) while i was doing maths hw heh, forgot to bring home my file so had to borrow kavya's and still finish it before french ended :b

today!

went to singapore art museum today for art class. zomg okay creepy the second floor was super scary and had loads of violent exhibitions :X the 3rd floor was kinda weird too but then there was this exhibition with sphere like cushions so we all jumped on it xD first floor seemed the best hmm (:

went to play corner with jingyin and huiqing since we got kicked out of our d-block classrooms for spm pfft .__. hee attempted to play hey soul sister on the guitar xD played uno but it was NEVER-ENDING xD zomg idk how come we played for like 15 minutes and still no winner! O: after that prac at j-block (pfft we got kicked out of e-block too) and clara told me i got nominated for some music thingy which name i have yet to remember, so let's call it meetee for fun xD i told them i don't mind going for auditions but then IF i get in, i'll have to commit a lot and pracs may even fall on saturday :/ if it's in the morning then my sl project is screwed, but if in afternoon then idk what to do about gift :/ haiz why does everything fall on saturday :/ oh and auditions are this saturday, wow i was notified so early *sarcasm* but actually everyone only knew about it recently so it couldn't be helped ba :/ can't decide what song to play, we're only supposed to play 16-24 bars but still idk zomg :X and there's sightreading too pfft .__.

sports fest tmrw! zomg idk how come but me and a few others got chosen to run for 207 O: and some more i had volunteered to help out already pfft. anws then i'll just tell them tmrw.

yep so that's all, tata (: